self-care for people pleasers

12/09/22

hello cherubs! today we are going to be discussing how to take care of your self when you're a people pleaser.

in this time of year, I feel like we're always trying to please everyone. by buying the right gifts, going to everyone's parties, spending time with every member of your family. it can be both physically and mentally exhausting and we might not even realize it.

according to webMD, a people pleaser is someone who "everyone considers to be helpful and kind."

here are ten signs you might be a people pleaser:

• you pretend to agree with everyone

• you feel responsible for how other people feel

• you apologize often

• you feel burdened by the things you have to do

• you can't say no

• you feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you

• you act like the people around you

• you need praise to feel good

• you go to great lengths to avoid conflict

• you don't admit when your feelings are hurt

you may be think "well, isn't people pleasing a good thing?"

it can go both ways. according to Morrison clinic, "while People Pleasers show love and affection by taking care of others, they find it hard to set healthy boundaries. They often over extend themselves. They begin to feel resentful that no one is meeting their needs.

People Pleasers spend so much time and effort in taking care of others. Unfortunately, they often do not establish good social support for themselves. They also find it hard to give up control and let other people take care of them. While taking care of others in noble and rewarding, it can also be toxic and unhealthy."

people pleasing isn't an actual disorder, but it is a syndrome, or mental condition, that affects many people.

what causes people pleasers to want to please people?

• you want to avoid conflict

• you fear rejection

• you fear disappointing others

• you want something in return

• you want others to be nice to you

• you want to fit in

• you are easily influenced by others

• you are genuinely compassionate

• you don't want to feel guilty for saying no

• your self-worth comes from external validation

• you lack-self love

people pleasing can sometimes be a result of trauma, or PTSD. people pleasing can also be known as fawning (which we learned about a few weeks back). fawning is basically not being able to stand up for yourself and doing whatever you have to do to go unnoticed and not bring attention to yourself.

people pleasing is similar. it can be from a codependency issue that has never been resolved. usually codependency begins in childhood and can carry long into adulthood if not resolved properly. unfortunately, fawning and/or people pleasing can become maladaptive over time. when we become people pleasers, we are telling ourselves that we are easy to manipulate. becoming a 'pushover' can result in the abandonment of oneself and are subject to low self-worth, depression, and low self-esteem.

being a people pleaser can also come from usually has to do with your early stages in life, specifically the way you were treated, loved and cared for by your parents or primary caregivers. if, as a child, you were always making sure that you weren't in the way, not getting yelled at, or trying to not cause a reason for abuse...this could lead to becoming a people pleaser.

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people pleasing can be toxic because it has the individual putting their self-care on the back burner. while people pleasers are not born, but created, it is often hard to relearn how to not be a people pleaser. but it's not impossible...

here are ways to stop being a people pleaser:

• establish boundaries: know your limits, establish boundaries, and communicate them to others

• start small: start by saying no to small requests, try expressing you opinion about something small, or ask for something you need

• set goals & priorities: who do you want to help? what are your goals? knowing your own goals and priorities will help you know if you're able to help others too

• stall for time: when someone asks for something, tell them you need time to think about it. you'll be able to better decide if you have the time or energy to do something for someone else

• assess the request: if it feels like you are being manipulated, take time to assess the situation before agreeing to help someone

• avoid making excuses: be firm in your decline. don't make excuses for other things. simply explain you don't have the ability to help them right now

• remember that relationships require give & take: if you enjoy pleasing others, understand that they should be willing to help you too

• help when you want to help: help on your own terms, but don't give up being kind and thoughtful. you can still help others, just put yourself first occasionally.

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an easy way to take care of yourself when you are a people pleaser is to learn self-compassion. self-compassion is "being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate."

self-compassion can have a few different types: physical, emotional, and intellectual.

below are some examples of each:

physical:

• moving your body

• going to bed when you feel tired

• stretching

• taking breaks

• massages

• cuddling with a pet or person

• a relaxing bath or shower

• grooming

• eating well

emotional:

• slowing down

• doing what is right for you

• offering self-encouragement

• recognizing you strengths

• journaling

• using a self-help book

• being on your own side

• listening to yourself

intellectual

• working on a project that interests you

• reading

• discussing a topic of interest

• sharing your opinion

• watching something informative

• allowing time for creativity

self-care is essential for everyone. in order for someone to help others, they must first take care of themselves.

being a people pleaser myself, it can be hard to put ourselves first. often putting myself on the back burner, we can often forget about ourselves. we strive so hard to prove ourselves to others that we forget about ourselves and the importance of taking care of us.

this is your reminder: if you've been putting off your self-care, STOP IT. stop whatever you are doing and go do something for yourself. it can be something simple as taking a break from work or school and reading your favorite book or it can even be something as drastic as taking a vacation and going somewhere you've always wanted to go.

do it for you and for no one else. you deserve it.

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I hope that you guys enjoyed this post!

remember, you deserve to be here

xx Loryn